As everyone knows, New Haven is the best town to get pizza in. The farther away from New Haven you get, the worse the pizza is. New york City? Pizza's ok. Nothing great, but ok. By the time you get to Florida, it's fucking inedible. All the best pizza comes out of the hundred-year-old brick ovens on Wooster Street. Wooster Street is a pizza district, like New York has a garment district.

Modern is my favorite, although it's not accually on Wooster. My friend Joel came out of the woods to New Haven last weekend and we had to show him what pizza was like. The poor fucker thought Domino's was pizza! X-teen had called in the takeout, because you can't get inside a good pizzaria in New Haven on a Friday night without an hour wait. On the weekends there is the Modern trafic jam that all drivers on State Street must endure. For a block and a half, mofuckys be double-parked and people be trying to get in our out of the small parking lot. In the last ten years it has gotten worse because everybody owns an SUV now.

First rule of pizza: The sign and menu should call it "apizza" and the staff should pronounce it "abeetz". Any other spelling or pronunciation and you might as well eat Ragu on a saltine.

Second rule of pizza: Only Italians working in the kitchen. Preferably from Naples. No Swedes, no Irish, no French, no Turks, no Argentines, no Samoans, no Laosians, no Kashmiris, no Papau New Guineans, just Neopolitans and their decendants.

Third rule of pizza: No yuppie toppings! No reindeer sausage, no baby corn, no hoi sin sauce, no truffles, no sea bass, no wasabi! And for damn sure no pineapple!

Third rule: Thin, hand tossed crust. I know some folks will start yappin' about their Chicago deep dish, and yum, I like Chicago deep dish. But it ain't pizza. It's a fucking cassarole and we all know it! When I want cassarole, I'll go to Uno's, but I won't find pizza there. And don't try to stuff cheese in the crust, cuz I'm watching you.