I, Rev Hooligan, am seeking the Democratic nomination for president.

If elected, I will be the youngest President in US history. That means less time spent in Bethesda Naval Hospital with a scope up my colon and more time leading the free world. Also, I will be less inclined to be led and manipulated by handlers and advisors, because us young'ins don't never listen to nobody.

As President, it is not my business what you do with your lungs, genitals, uteris, heart, or thumbs. I will veto any legislation regulating smoking, sex, abortion, hamburgers, or video games.

I will lower the drinking age to 18 and raise the driving age to 25. This will reduce drunk driving accidents and meatheads in late model Camaros doing burnouts in the Dunkin Donuts parking lot. People under 25 will ride public transportation for free, providing they keep their yaps shut during the trip.

US companies that seek to evade taxes by reincorporating offshore will be fined $100,000 per worker fucked out of a job. Also a special "kick-in-the-junk" will be accessed.

Bush's tax cuts for the wealthy will be repealed. "Wealthy" will be defined by "anyone making more money than me".

As part of my energy policy, all SUV owners will pay a "fucking up the planet"tax. However, I will have a program in which drivers can trade their SUVs for penile enlargement surgery.

I plan to deal with Osama Bin Laden by retouching his photo with a red bandana, then posting it in Crip neigborhoods in LA. I will also apoint Suge Knight head of homeland security.

With your support, I plan to bring common sense and justice to our government. With your help, I'll kick W's balls up around his ears.